Testing Myself Through Your Hatred

You're right. I was motivated purely by vengeance and from self defense. I see the error in seeking only to avenge the slights against me and others. Thank you for showing me all my flaws so that I may attempt to abandon them with abandon until they are no more. It means the world to me, honestly. I don't know who everyone is. There's somebody out there, beyond the walls of this stage, however. Somebody real. Somebody who might be an enemy but at least isn't whatever the fuck these things I'm surrounded by now are. Change of direction, course, etc. Change in M.O. My purpose is no longer in emotional response, although my emotions might provide me the strength of will needed in continuity. I'm my own stage setter and I direct inner elements at my will. External or internal influence, incites the anger and from there the two pills are offered: Do I control the anger or do I let it control me? Surely it's all in my reaction and awareness. No, my motivations at this moment and forward into the uncertainty of God only knows is purely of the quintessence in defense of self, defense of the innocent and the completion of this task I have surely been set upon with my three saiyajin friends.

I'm not even aiming to punish you, to make you suffer or to inflict upon you exactly what you have done to me.

I operate through the means of "just enough". Don't worry, all that nastiness was just my angry monkey temporarily getting the better of me. I'm sure that those horrible things I alluded to aren't really happening to you and if they are...well...I guess that is what is "just enough"...

I don't want to fight you. I don't want to break your ego. I don't want to make you scream.

I just want to kill you.

I imagine the memories will be like their own flooded dam, breaking open. I take a deep breath and it all comes washing over me lucid, cohesive, chronological and ever-so-clear. These memories I refer to aren't cartoon drawings. With enough repetition and exposure, the memories of significance or great depth aren't just crude caricatures losing detail over time. You can fool me with fake memories but that will not make them real. You can fool me with fake biological sequences, input and wiring but that does not make it coincide with my soul. I'm putting all my trust, all my faith in You, O God, for getting through this bit proper like. Not that I don't have these in You all the time but I know You know that I'm usually independent enough to get through most everything I've ever experienced (and probably ever will) without Your direct intervention. I really just need Your Help with this one, please. When I search my feelings for Your Response, part of me says that nothing is going to happen but it is consistently and retroactively reassured with what I try my best to keep as nothing less than an unyielding faith tempered with patience, expectancy, vigilance and readiness. Certainly in these lands my heart can speak of it's own wicked volition, which is why I ask for You to set a guard over it.

No, exercising here will make no difference. There's no such thing as "physical mass" in this place.
No, breath here will make no difference. There's no such thing as "air" in this place.
No, fighting here will make no difference. There's no such thing as "victory" through violence in this place.

It doesn't matter if my race and I are demonic in our origins. It doesn't matter if we're all "sleeper" machines whose underlying purpose is to "destroy" God. None of your words of discouragement are of even a remote influence on I or my kin in the end. God can heal all wounds, cure all poisons and wash away all the dirt. We know where our hearts would lie even if the seed, the kernel you operate, at one level or another, through us still exists. It would be no different for Him than simply lifting a single, specific grain of sand from a vast desert and crushing it between His index finger and thumb.